


Threshold

by JoeyWrites



Series: Kanehide: What Should Have Been [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:40:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28979766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoeyWrites/pseuds/JoeyWrites
Summary: High school student Ken Kaneki spends the day at the skate park with his best friend Hide. But what happens when the boundary between friend and something more begins to blur?TW for internalized homophobia and child abuse
Relationships: Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Nagachika Hideyoshi
Series: Kanehide: What Should Have Been [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2125719
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	Threshold

**Author's Note:**

> August, 2 BSBI

Another summer in Tokyo. The air was heavy with heat, humidity, and the unending drone of cicadas. Ken Kaneki still didn’t know how Hide managed to convince him to step outside today, but school was out and he had no studying to do. So, he reasoned that he’d be better off out here than trapped in his house with an aunt that Hide politely referred to as “a total bitch”. Plus, he always enjoyed Hide’s company, especially in the summer, when the sunlight reflected blindingly off his stunning blond hair and dusted his adorable smiling face with a light tan and **NO WHAT ARE YOU THINKING KANEKI GET IT TOGETHER**

On this particular day, Hide decided they should go to the local skate park, to finally test out the new board his dads had gotten him for his birthday a few months earlier. At Kaneki’s request, the two of them had sequestered themselves off to a quieter area of the park, where there was still a decent set of grind rails and half-pipes for Hide to show off his moves. Or so he said. Most of the time Hide would miss the landing on his kickflip and curse under his breath. It was a good thing Kaneki brought some light reading along so he wouldn’t get so bored--

“Woo! I did it!” Hide cheered. The sound of his friend’s voice drew Kaneki’s attention away from his book. “Kaneki! Did you see that?! I made it all the way down the rail!” 

“Yes, of course I saw it!” Kaneki did his best to sound excited for him, even though he was only half paying attention.

“Liar,” the blond pouted playfully. “You’ve been sticking your nose in that book of yours this whole time!” In the ten or so years they knew each other, Kaneki learned that nothing got past Hide, no matter how hard he tried to hide something. Whether it was a lack of appetite, a bruise in an unusual place, or a tear he’d been holding in rolling down his cheek, all of Kaneki’s feelings were instantly laid bare to him. And yet, Hide was always so discreet and caring, no matter what the situation was. Of course, Kaneki knew ostensibly that nothing was perfect, but his best friend came pretty damn close. Thankfully, it seemed that Hide had so far remained oblivious whenever Kaneki caught himself staring at his handsome features, thinking of how soft those lips would feel against his **STOP IT KANEKI YOU CAN’T THINK THAT WAY ABOUT HIM**

“Kaneki? You okay buddy?” The boy didn’t realize that he never responded to Hide. He looked up from his book once again and saw polite concern in his friend’s beautiful brown eyes, and no, he wasn’t getting lost in them.

“Y-yeah, of course!” Kaneki smiled and nodded, letting out a small chuckle as if to emphasize just how okay he was. 

“Well, good! Because I can’t have you turning a blind eye to my sick skating skills anymore. So as your punishment, I’m gonna teach you just how hard I had to work to master it!” Hide grinned broadly and handed his skateboard to Kaneki. 

“H-Hide! You know I’ve never ridden a skateboard before!” Kaneki raised his hands in front of him in protest. “I-I’m not sure if I could even balance on it properly.”

“Hey, relax, man! It’s easy! Here, I’ll even spot ya,” He patted his shoulder, making Kaneki’s heart skip a beat. Hide had always shown his friendship through touch, but it wasn’t until recently that Kaneki was so...aware of it. Wanting to silence any further thoughts, Kaneki rose to his feet and got on the board. 

“Alright, now since you’re a newbie, I’ll go easy on ya,” Hide began. “Take your dominant foot and give a good hard push.” Kaneki did as instructed, gaining some good momentum on the board. He was rather proud of his accomplishment, at least until he lost his footing and almost face-planted into the concrete.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful there! I got ya!” Almost as soon as lost his balance, Hide came running to him and grabbed him by the sides of his torso to catch him, and he gasped in flustered surprise. Wow, if Hide did that again, there would be nothing stopping Kaneki from just kissing him right there **NO YOU CAN’T IT’S NOT NORMAL**

“Man, that was close!” Hide sighed in relief. “Okay, you’re gonna need even more tutoring than I thought. Here, let me demonstrate.” He took his board once more, pushing off the ground a few times and effortlessly making a loop back to where Kaneki was standing, before kicking the board off the ground and back into his hand.

“See, the trick is to steer with your feet. If your feet aren’t stable, then neither is the rest of your body. After you’ve got a good amount of speed, just stand on the board like this--” he had his feet firmly planted and apart from each other “--and just leeeeaaaannn in the direction you wanna move. Like this.” He showed how the board rocked back and forth with the movement of his legs before handing it back to Kaneki. “Now you try!” 

Kaneki followed Hide’s advice as closely as he could. This time, he found that his balance was much better. 

“Hey hey, now you’re getting it! Good job, Kaneki!” He also found that Hide was following closer behind him now, so close that his arms were hovering on either side of him, waiting to catch him in case he fell again. Which he did, as soon as he noticed. 

“Oof, got ya! Don’t sweat it, I wasn’t much better when I first started,” he chuckled. _Humble as ever_ , Kaneki thought to himself as he stared directly into his face and **OH MY GOD WHY WAS IT SO CLOSE TO HIS**

“Hey Kaneki, are you actually bad at skateboarding, or are you just... _falling for me?_ Hah, sorry, I couldn’t resist!” Hide laughed a bit too hard at his own joke, thankfully not seeming to notice the obvious blush that was rising to Kaneki’s face. 

“M-maybe I am,” answered Kaneki almost involuntarily. It was at this point he decided it was best if he never spoke again, but those thoughts were quickly replaced with how...different the atmosphere felt between them. He panicked when Hide, who was still _very much_ holding him, closed his eyes and began to lean in, his first instinct being to do the same. Their lips lightly brushed against each other, and at that moment, Kaneki leapt back as if he had been shocked by an electrical outlet, falling and landing on his bottom. 

“Oh crap, are you okay man?! Was that too much?! I’m really sorry, Kaneki!” It was Hide’s turn to panic as he saw the expression on Kaneki’s face. **SICK. DISGUSTING. FREAK. WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?** Screamed a voice in Kaneki’s head.

“I’m sorry Hide...I shouldn’t have done that.” His eyes grew hot with the threat of oncoming tears. **YOU ARE UNNATURAL. WRONG. A WASTE OF SPACE. NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU AS LONG AS YOU FEEL THESE THINGS.**

“Nonononono, that was all my fault! All mine, I take full responsibility. Let’s just forget about it, okay?” Hide crouched down to his level, but Kaneki reflexively shoved him away when he reached out his arm.

“I need to go.” Kaneki immediately took off running, not knowing exactly what direction he was going in as long as it was away from here. 

“Kaneki, wait! Come back! Let’s talk about this!” Hide called after him, but Kaneki could barely hear him over his own thoughts. **YOU WERE NOT MADE FOR HIM. YOU ARE ABHORRENT. IMPURE. YOU SHOULD BE BURNED. GAGGED. DROWNED.** He cursed the white-hot deluge now streaming out of his eyes, hoping no one could see, but not caring either way. **HE IS NOT YOURS. HE NEVER WILL BE. HE WAS NOT MADE FOR YOU.** He ran until his throat burned, until every breath was a gasp for air, until his legs gave way and he collapsed on the ground. He’d need to collect himself before he got home. 

~~~ 

The walk home was grueling, and as the sun neared closer to the horizon, Kaneki was almost glad to see the front door to his aunt’s apartment, if only because he was grateful for a place to rest his weary body. He took his shoes off so he could step into the foyer as silently as possible. 

“Well, look who’s home,” came his aunt’s voice from the living room, positively dripping with spite. “You’ve been hanging out with your _friend_ a lot lately. Just be careful you don’t let him influence you too much. That little shit’s been raised by two dads. It’s disgusting.” 

“Yes.” Kaneki wanted so badly to defend his friend, to tell her to shut her mouth or he’d sew it shut for her. But his exhaustion, coupled with remembering what would happen if he raised his voice to her, rendered him more laconic than usual. Ignoring his aunt’s typical indignant muttering to herself about what a problem child he was, Kaneki trudged upstairs and into his room, shutting the door behind him and slumping against it. Having neither the energy nor the motivation to go over to his bookshelf and pick up a book, he instead pulled his phone from his pocket. Immediately, his attention was drawn to the “unread messages” notification on his screen. There was only one person on earth who ever bothered to call his number. 

**Hide: hey man**

**Hide: just checking up on you**

**Hide: i really hope you dont hate me for what i did**

**Hide: can we pls just put this behhind us**

**Hide: i dont want things to be weird between us**

Kaneki had to clench every muscle in his face to keep from crying. He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he so desperately craved something more between himself and Hide. He wanted nothing more than to hold him and whisper in his ear what a perfect angel he was, to leave a trail of soft kisses down his cheek reminding him that he could never ever hate him, even call him and scream all his deepest feelings at him. But he knew it was wrong. Based on everything he was taught, it was wrong. Maybe not for others, but for him. He was only 16. It was only a matter of time before he got himself a girlfriend just like all his peers so he could finally put all his doubts behind him. He wanted to bash his head against a wall until this little crush went away. But still, he couldn’t just leave Hide on read. His friendship meant too much to him. 

**Kaneki: It’s fine, I promise we’re still friends.**

Friends. That’s all they were allowed to be. A threshold that he could never, ever cross. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Coming back after a year-long hiatus and writing Tokyo Ghoul fanfiction in 2021? More likely than you think 
> 
> Yeah 2020 fuckin sucked for me too, sorry about that


End file.
